The person we are looking for will possess amply developed non-verbal communication skills, for example they will be able to demonstrate a broody, glowering presence, highly suggestive of their own superiority.
If you are the ideal candidate, it will be immediately apparent to your colleagues why you have been appointed when you take a metaphorical leak in the corner of the room whilst attending any meeting that isn’t your own. Territory marked, the right individual for this role will then, and only then, let the meeting commence (whilst turning their attention to their e-mails).
To succeed in this role, you will be able to delegate like the only thing that your staff have to do in life is serve you, and to casually trivialize the size and complexity of the tasks that you give them to perform.
Suitable candidates will tell lies to make themselves look better, stronger, and more interesting, and will also be uncommonly gifted in the art of making pronouncements from above – when it’s direction that’s needed.
Unable to realise that this is no way to get your mother to notice you, you will occasionally mess with your employees’ minds by telling them that you only put on a strong face because you’re so insecure.
Key to success once in role will be changing narratives like the wind whilst flicking imaginary specks of lint off your clothes – smoting insignificance. Inscrutable, joyless and patronizing most of the time, you will occasionally let your guard down ever so slightly outside of work (just to mess with your employees’ minds some more).
You will also have extensive experience of motivating staff by skillfully deflecting their objections with dogma and cocksure pronouncements. Over a period of time, during which you will take anything controversial ‘offline’, and often tell others what it was that they meant to say, your disapproval of contradiction will become manifestly apparent.
Of course, it’s all an illusion of control, and the number of things that can’t be controlled far outweigh those that can, which means that the ideal candidate will succeed in one thing and one thing only – holding others and themselves back.
The only thing the newly appointed candidate will not have control over is their own emotional state when they feel that they are losing control.
The successful individual will appear very impressive at interview, bearing themselves authoritatively, and holding forth with gravitas and composure. They will be eminently qualified, smart and engaging, temporarily swapping out their ambition for humility, and their control freakery for deference. We only expect them to turn into an Inadvertent Saboteur® when they start in role.
Because, in all seriousness, this candidate will, at heart, be a good person, who means well, and is guilty of nothing more than misfiring ambition and a catastrophic lack of self-awareness.
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“It turns out that it was my tendency to try and over control things that was holding the entire business back. No one knew how to tell me this, and I didn’t know how to hear it. Thankfully, my HRD forced me and the rest of the Board to go on this programme, where my inadvertent sabotage was hilariously and brilliantly brought to life by Laurence and his team.”
Glorious Day client at the end of a 6-month, Commercial Breakthrough programme (reference available)